Scuse me... Do I know you? I do!? But how do you know?!?

How do we know someone? What does it mean to know someone? What you know about them? How you compliment each other? Time? Because Ive met people and felt I knew them after 5 mins, at the same time, these people don't always turn out to be the best friends. And on the other hand I have friends that I may have known for YEARS and I wouldn't say I KNEW them, maybe just know of them. Some of my best friend had histories that would have made me second guess acquainting with them. So how do I get to know you?

My theory lies within energy. When you first meet someone their energy dictates your comfort level, which dictates how much of a mask you wear. We all have a "surrogate" personality that we use for strangers, business, etc. and how much of the real us we let shine through dictates how much a person gets to know you. The conversation and activities are really just to help get the person comfortable, so that the natural them comes out.

That also means they have to want to know you. I have a bad habit of kinda staying in character until the other party breaks, which usually happens fairly quickly. But what if it doesn't? Ive recently learned that you have to give yourself to receive others. I'm so used to people approaching me that when I'm put into a situation where i need to be assertive in forming that "bond" or getting to "know" someone, that I'm not sure what to do and let it kinda wither away. Keeping myself from things I really want seems to be my plight, at least I'm trying to learn!

I expect the unexpected to be the best-est

This weekend, I saw a deaconess with whistle, a liquor store the size of a grocery store, met a long lost cousin, and had the stupid cipher with the family. We mourned a loss, celebrated our company laughed until we cried, and cried til we cried until laughed. Hong early the ont bad part about this trip is the 12 hrs it took to get here. Not looking forward to the drive back, but Im definitely looking forward to my bedroom.

Life at a funeral?

First let me say the funeral was beautiful. It was a true homecoming celebration, and I enjoyed it. Secondly let me say that I would have never imagined that my cousin could have touched so many peoples lives. Born with heart complications Calvin Aronel Jones had a bit of a learning disability. But that did not hinder him in the slightest. He always chased his dreams, and did what he loved. He never was rude or spiteful our even got mad for that matter. He kept a happy disposition, and a smile on his face. I had no idea how the turn out of his funeral would be, but I can't say I was that shocked.

Aronel loved music and art. He began to do karaoke  and developed a little fan base (lol but really rbi tho). He would always tell me about how I need to come see him, and how much fun he had, and how great the people were. It was hard for me to believe it was that great, not being a big karaoke fan. But today, I had the chance to see these people.  Ok, I feel I'm ranting. My point is this, a lot of his karaoke friends there, and they were really "mourning" (celebrating) with us. They weren't just there because that's what you do when someone pass, they err thee to pay there respects and celebrate a wonderful life. It was amazing to me, how many people actually had something to say. And even more amazing grew many people turned out for the burial. So many people had been touched by him, white, black, old, young. And he had touched their hearts in such a positive way, that these people wanted to share that positivity with us (his family) in a time of need. And that's how ones life is measured, by how many lives you touched. And he really touched like all the people he connected with. So that's a new goal for me, to touch the hearts of as many people I can. That improves the value of life for one's self as we'll as the world.

Well Damn! Nice to meet u 2011

So, 14 days in, and these past 2 weeks have been... a lot. It feels like I'm months into the year and Im ready for a break. I feel the stress, pain, worry, and frustration of like 6 months, and honestly I'm not sure if its just me or the events of the past couple weeks. I'm currently on the way to Delaware for a funeral. And I cant wait for this whole weekend to be over. Mostly because I just want life back to normal, but I have a feeling that there isn't going to be a "normal" anymore. I'm hoping this isn't going to be one of "those" years but nothing has been remotely similar to 2010 for me so far, and I don't think it will be.

This is gonna be, a happy, new, year...

So... I suppose this is my cliche NYE post, but I suppose it is what is. I've already began to make changes, resolutions, what ever, as I'm always trying to learn and better myself, but 2010 taught me more than I'd thought possible in 365 days. More importantly, 2010 taught me about ME. I learned what I want from love, what I love to do, and why I love life, just to start. Some of which I have yet to put into practice.

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany, maybe, more of an "out of body experience". In my after work routine I watched my habits change, I didn't crave the same things. I actually saw the "me" that didn't drink/smoke daily, exercised consistantly etc. And he was not me! I saw the person I was 2 weeks ago, and how different I was from him. And now I look back to then, and see major change. Total reformation is coming, and 2011 is solidification. For me, 2011 is a reflection of 2010. I need to mind all the lessons learned and put them into action. I need to make all NEW mistakes, and feel the same way in 365 days, jus 10 steps higher. 2010 was a good, FUN, year, just not productive enough for me. I have the tools, skills, and knowledge to make it "all the above". I've got to get to know the new "me" and become him. And that makes my 2011 a challenge to my 2010. It makes my 2011 an ode to my 2010. But ultimately my 2011 a continuation of my 2010.

Cause "this Shit don't stop", and the only way you might catch up, is if you don't either.

Happy New Year

!Fo¢u$

I heen kicked out my brain for thinking out of the box...

Some words I was feeling this am, last night, thought I'd share.



I couldn't feel you if we hugged

I couldn't care enough to shrug

I'm on my own planet, I only come back if its a must.

Humans foolish mostly stupid want the world to fuck it up.

Greed aggression and repression only makes the heart tough

Trickles down to all 8 sections with infections like a puss

So my best is isolation til the vaccinations done

These revolutions contemplation, as I orbit my thoughts

Cause I been kicked out my brain for thinking out of the box

I doubt there'd ever be a spark, if all I had was my heart

I cant imagine I could start, if I could imagine to start.

Until I break the brains plain disconnection remains

But I can think free here so I hardly complain.

Till I missed the synergy like 40 years without rain

I'm tryna come back now, and see if I'm still the same.

Friends, aquaintences, and family...

So, I begin by declaring people are bullshit! (As a whole, not individualy) I say this because from my experience, the majority of the people that have come into my life have immensely disappointed me, one way or another. Maybe I'm tripping, maybe I expect too much from other people. I tend to hold people to the same standards I hold myself to sometimes, and I know I shouldn't. But I feel like after a certain relationship is developed between two people, certain things should be honored.

Example (and inspiration for this post), someone I work with, who I thought was a friend, and turned out to be just an acquaintance, showed me he was only an acquaintance and why. It bothered me because I just knew we were cooler than that, but whats worse is, he had explicitly told me that he would look out for me in tonights given situation. And not only did he not do any of the things I asked him before he left, he left early. Meanwhile, a dude that may just be new family, comes back to help me off the clock. Now, I honestly just realized that the acquaintance is white and the latter black. Not sure that has any relavence, but anyway I digress.

I am a people person in many ways. But because people as a whole are so repulsive its hard for a person like me to move freely amongst them. Its become apparent to me that I have to cleatly distinguish between atleast 3 different circles when dealing with people. Aquaintences, friends, and family. Acquaintances get the fasad, the image. They are almost technicalities. Until they show different, they will remain at arms legnth, never to be touched. I will always be the person I am. If I'm going to help I am,I shant look for my actions to convince them, it should be free will, that way its pure as possible. Aquaintences get 0 time and the least effort possible.

Friends are aquaintences that have grown from an aquaintence, by "proving" themselves so to speak. A friend cares on a personal level. One may offer a favor with no repayment expected, or give a hand when no one has asked. Friends are dependable, honest, and real. These are qualities not found between acquaintances, because their relationship doesnt grow past formalities. While true friends can skip the formalities.

Family is the pinnacle of a relationship between two people. I dont have many friends, too many aquaintences, and a slowly growing family. Family goes beyond blood. I am closer to much of my extended family than I am to a lot of my blood. And there's a number of reasons I think that is the case. But for me once I induct you into my family, that's it. I may not see you for another 20 years, but.I will still honor the bond we established.

One of my problems is that I aim to see the good in everyone, and I find it,even when its not there sometimes. I have to understand while everyone is put into your life for a reason, most peoples purpose is short term. Again that's hard for me because of how I attatch myself to people I care about. I have to know a persons role and status and attach myself accordingly.

I had the perfect blog...Then i deleted it.

So leaving Tron: legacy last night, I was struck with a few ideas about perfection. I had this parallel for the story and theme and everything, I'm not going to return to that train of thought right now, Ill just get to the point.

This turns out to just be my thought process, I don't have a topic or theme when I sit to blog just inspiration and an emotion/inner-conflict. And I try work it out. So I was blogging on perfection last night on my way home from the movie before I flashed my phone with another version of software and deleted it, I think my point was this: Our idea of perfection is essentially imperfect. We forget that EVERYTHING NEEDS a yin and yang, positive and negative, no good without bad. With that being said why is it we attribute perfection to this astronomical standard, which can never be met? Seems to me that we would come to understand "perfection" as an idea of balance, rather than the idea of flawlessness. 

So I aim to create serene chaos, and live a placidly extreme life. Complimenting lows with highs and peaks with dives. I must remember that the sun will rise as it must set. A know that balance makes it all perfect.

Step 2... HEY!?...uhh... WHATS STEP TWO!?

     I don't really have anything to say, I just kinda felt like saying something. I wanted to share something I've been working on, but don't really know what to share. Music? Sketches? Poetry? Honestly, tonight, I think its just me.

Some of this is from nowhere, the rest from my heart, along with various inspirations that have grown from a spark.

So, lately Ive been looking for two evasive women... Inspiration, and... well I don't know her name, so let's call her "her".
Inspiration comes and goes, though she's never here when I need her.
And when I talk to "her" its almost as I didn't need her.
And "she's" another story, and though Id never leave "her".
I'm sleeping with inspiration, so I don't know if I can keep "her".

I cant seem to stay inspired. Just as soon as I begin working on a piece I loose interest, or I'm hit with an idea that changes the piece and starts a new brainstorm. And it seems to be the same with women. Just as I should be "making my next move" something comes up or she shows me something new that changes my perspective. Beyond that, it seems when I'm not worried bout a female, or in "good standings" with one I'm not inspired, and vice verse. Which leads me to believe they are intertwined. But why now?

I can say that creating has never been a problem for me, I could always just roll up and go nuts! But now, I find myself plagued with random thoughts of my future relationships, past relationships, and present potential relationships, love songs puppy dogs and other sappy shit.At this point I feel I need to handle it because it is impeding my creative process, which makes me feel watered down as a person.

My level of inspiration varies depending on a lot of things. With music, the instrumental is ALL that MATTERS,  if anything else is even noticed it compliments the feeling. For whatever reason, a lot of the tracks I was, and still am, feeling are not done. I just stopped after 1 verse or so. The instrumental itself still gives me the same feeling, and the lyrics usually blow my mind.To the point that it physically bothers me to listen to them because they're unfinished, and when I try to I'm always too intimidated by the first verse to finish the second. But lately Ive been on my D.F.S. ( Discipline Focus Sacrifice) and have finished a few of them, and man... Honestly some of the first verses still MURDER the rest of the song, but it compliments beautifully to form a complete song.

So... at the beginning of 2010 I planned to "do me". A no, "girlfriend" but she can think that long as my feelings were safe, mentality. I had been hurt by women in general, not to mention the ex, and influenced by friends with a totally different outlook on relationships. I did it, and got hurt, again. So another reformation was made. I wasn't messing with any female beyond a platonic level, period. Until I could figure out what I wanted and how to get it. But now, that I know I want one woman behind me that compliments me, and I her, I'm either plagued with women that don't begin to measure up and, as soon as I see they're "plastic", they're kept at a distance and eventually ignored. Or we kick it once or twice and I kinda stop calling.

Ive grown to learn that I'm afraid of success. I hate the limelight, recognition, and damn near just being noticed. But its hard for me not to be, and that may be the very reason I hate it. I wasn't afraid to write a whack verse, because I had already made a dope song. I was more afraid that I might murder the second verse worse, and create something really worth recognition. Not thinking I had already taken the first step on the journey to making a hott song, and all I had to do was see it out until the end.

With all that said, I suppose I should apply the same logic to my relationships, and everything for that matter. I can confess that I'm a "giver-upper". I quit half way through too many things, for whatever reason. So now I must see EVERYTHING out til its end. I must know when something is reaching its end and be able to end it. I must know "it ain't over, til its over". !D.iscipline

So, in summation, step 2..... is discipline.

This post may have changed everything this blog was supposed to be.

D.F.S.
peace&blessings

The beg"END"ing

      Time is an illusion, believe it or not. Ever hear a song, see a face, have a moment that incites a memory, filling you with the EXACT same feeling you had when the event took place? Perfect example of times elasticity. That's part of the reason for this post. I've been putting off doing this for way too long, using excuses like I don't have anything to put up, no music, no illustrations, no poetry. Though that may only be 50% TRUE, it was enough to deter me from starting, when that's all I needed to do to finish... in a sense.

     See, with the theory of time being elastic, and God having "written" everything that has is and will happen, destiny or whatever you call it, the first step towards anything you desire, solidifies that journey. So with that said, I've decided to take my first step.